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Saturday, March 17, 2012

A Disturbance in the Force

I have always had "vivid dreams", which makes me wonder how I'd know if I had that as a side effect of one of many prescription medications I see advertised on television, were I to need one of them. The other night, I had one of the most vivid and possibly the most disturbing dream I ever have had. The dream was so disturbing, in fact, that while I mentioned to "Mr. Piphylbod" having had a disturbing dream, I still refuse to go into detail with him. However, I will touch briefly on the dream here.

I had a less-than-ideal childhood. Many of those on whom I should have relied upon for safety and support not only failed miserably, but actively invaded my innocent sense of safety. In my dream, I was who I am now, a reasonably secure and self-confident adult. The worst of the perpetrators came to me, feigning complete innocence, while making it clear what this person's intentions were.

I told this person to leave me alone. The miscreant looked innocently at me and asked, "What? I was just ..." I shouted, "Go away!" and - oddly enough - the person immediately left. One of the other individuals from my childhood - not one of the vile sort - then entered the room and asked what was going on. I answered, "Nothing," and marveled to myself that I actually had made the evil person stop. At the same time, I was disturbed that the evil-deed-doer still (in my dream) had intention to cause harm to me, and was still in denial of ever having done so.

That's pretty much the whole dream. It was a much shorter one than I usually have, stayed on topic, and had a definite ending. What I don't understand is why I had it, and why it still disturbs me. I suspect that I feel disturbed, because I firmly believe that most dreams are the result of the mind sorting out things which have happened recently, are still happening, or were very traumatic when they happened. Yes, this was traumatic; although, I did not realize at the time how traumatic, innocently believing as do most children that other children's lives were like my own.

However, I thought that the bulk of this had been settled in my psyche years ago, through a very intense and honest treatment I chose when I became a parent, so that I could feel certain that I would not pass this behavior down to another generation. The reason I am so disturbed, then, is apparently because this old ghost (though no one involved has yet died) has come back to haunt me, for no apparent reason. Why now?